Old and New

Sometimes, the law library feels like my second home. I spend so much time in here reading (and relaxing, when I have the time); it was almost strange to be elsewhere during break. Yes, my law school classes have started up again... too early! I could have used another week or two of break.

But now I'm back to the daily grind, which honestly isn't so bad. I'm one of those people who's only happy when I know I'm doing something with my life; little breaks and vacations are great, but too much time spent lazing around always ends up making me depressed. I tend to feel like I'm stagnating if I'm not working towards some sort of goal, which is why 2013 was a difficult year for me but also felt like a turning point in my life.

I started off 2013 with the flu and the one-year anniversary of my car accident, where I was hit from behind while stopped. I was depressed that I wasn't in school or employed, and I was really nervous about finishing my transfer applications and pretty down on myself in general. Losing my scholarship in law school, though the circumstances were extreme (shingles during fall finals, allergic reaction and cellulitis before spring finals, a debilitating care accident at the beginning of the spring semester which left me in PT 3x per week and unable to drive for a month, with horrendous, I-need-to-lay-down-NOW headaches, my mother's cancer scare and surgery in February, and there being a power surge that shut down my computer during my Transnational Law final and a proctor with no idea what to do) and my grades weren't bad (loads of B+s, a few Bs, and a B- in Transnational Law), made me question everything. Before starting law school, I was so sure it was exactly where I was supposed to be, and everything devastated me so much that I spent a lot of time wondering if maybe everything that happened was just a sign that I wasn't supposed to be in law school. My boyfriend, who hadn't had a car for over a year and was struggling with unemployment due to the job market and his bachelor's degree in sociology, managed to find a temp position, save enough money to afford to lease a new Nissan at a manageable price, and finally, finally get back into school, something he'd been intending to do since we met. To my surprise, I was accepted into a higher ranked law school than my former law school, AND the higher ranked school, which actually cost slightly less than my former law school, offered me significant scholarship money. (I'll still have boatloads of student loan debt when I graduate, but every bit of help helps!) I was nervous about attending, still in the midst of my quarter-life crisis, but everything ended up working out really well. I honestly believe that everything I went through with my former law school was so that I'd end up here. I hated my first year in law school, but the environment here is so different, so much more open and welcoming. I've made a few friends, gotten involved in a student organization, met some great professors, and I'm about 25,000x happier than I was at my former law school. I didn't apply to this school right out of college for several reasons, all of which I've thankfully found out were baseless worries. I was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome in the last months of 2013, which evoked a lot of mixed emotions that weren't always easy to deal with, but at least now I can begin getting the kind of care I need to preserve my not-already-shot joints and my the rest of my health. I found a wonderful online support group for the condition, and I've begun educating friends and family members about EDS, which has helped me a lot.

2013 was also a big year for me in terms of my genealogy research. I found and connected with numerous modern-day descendants of my ancestors on both sides of my family, getting in touch with everyone from third cousins living locally and fifth half-cousins once removed living an ocean away in Denmark. I got all the paperwork together to finally order my great-grandfather's death certificate to find out the names of his parents and be able to start tracing the family back in Italy, and I found out some crazy information about my mother's father's mother's side of the family.

All in all, 2013 was a really big year for me. It had its struggles, but without them, I wouldn't be moving forward. I'm glad to be. 2014 has been fine thus far; my professors don't seem terrible, nor do my classes. My schedule isn't the most convenient thing in the world, but it's not bad either - it should allow me to get a lot of work done at school, which will be nice, since it means I'll have less to do on the weekends. I also did order my great-grandfather's death certificate, and to my surprise, the office was able to give it to me right away - I didn't have to wait the 4 to 6 weeks I thought I would have to for them to send it to me. I've already found another family member on my father's side that's more closely related to us than I thought I'd be able to find, and the grades I've received thus far - and the grades my boyfriend has received in the classes he took this past semester - have been pretty good. I finally got an A in law school (and in a subject in the field I want to work in), which was pretty awesome.

A very happy new year to all of you out there!

How did 2013 go for you? Did you hit any turning points in your life this year?

Holidays from Hell

Okay, so can I just skip the winter holidays this year? Pretty please?

I don't mean to be a Grinch, but I am having the week from hell, and my level of Christmas spirit is at an all-time low. I was looking forward to being done with finals, decorating the house, sending out cards, making cookies, making some money babysitting, seeing my family, and spending time with my boyfriend. Of course, then shit hit the fan, and it took all of my excitement for the season with it.

My week started off with me getting sick again, right after finals. I've felt crappy for days, all stuffed up and gross. Then, the father of the two little kids I babysit for got hurt at work, meaning he was home with the kids instead of me. I love those kids to death, and babysitting them seriously makes my day when I do, so that was super depressing along with meaning that both the father and I were out the cash he'd get by working and I'd get by babysitting, right before Christmas, when it's usually needed the most. My mother then decided to turn everyone's holiday plans upside down and cancelled Christmas Eve dinner, replacing it with Christmas Day dinner - which would be okay, except my sister and I was planning to be with my father, as we have for the past eleven or so years since my parents split up, since Christmas is his birthday. He's okay with it, because now he'll go spend Christmas with his girlfriend and her kids, but my sister and I aren't invited since we're supposed to be with our mother. My mother is having her boyfriend's entire family over, and none of her own besides me. It's awkward, especially since her boyfriend and I have never and will never be on good terms due to the circumstances surrounding them getting together.

As if that wasn't enough, there's relationship crap going on - I couldn't even tell you if I'm in one anymore. I've been really upset, so now in addition to being all clogged up, my face is sore and swollen from crying and I'm nauseous. (And he's not speaking to me.) A bad fight right before the holidays when you've been together for almost three years will do that to you.

Originally, I'd planned to make a happy post about holiday traditions, but for obvious reasons, that isn't happening. I'm happy that nothing worse as happened yet (like a death in the family or something), but at the same time, it's hard to be grateful that the worst hasn't happened, you know?

What's screwed up your holidays?

2L Time

This past Monday, I started school as a second-year law student, a.k.a. a 2L. Since my last post, I've been busy taking care of all the things inherent in going back to school as a transfer student, i.e. buying textbooks, getting a student ID, getting frustrated with financial aid, navigating the virtual maze that is the federal student loan system, figuring out my new school's e-mail system and building layout, finding and completing my first assignments, and getting back into Law Student Mode (TM).

You know what's crazy? It's been nice.

When I first started law school, I hated it so much. I was constantly depressed, and I felt overwhelmed. Everything that I had loved about school growing up was absent in law school, replaced by a tremendous pressure to memorize large amounts of mundane facts and arguments for the sake of becoming familiar with caselaw, even though all that would matter come finals would be the holding of the case and the policy considerations behind it. It was hell. Though according to everyone who went to law school, that was to be expected. It followed the stereotype: first year they scare you to death, second year they work you to death, and third year you don't care, you're just trying to find a job. Some of the lowest moments of my life were during my first year, and I felt like I was under an astronomical amount of pressure. I worked myself half to death, and when I lost my scholarship over 0.04 GPA points - when I managed a 3.22 despite all the shit that happened my first year (illnesses, injuries, my mother's health scare, getting rear-ended really badly, etc.) - I didn't want to get out of bed for days. I've been low before - it's par for the course with depression - but my whole life felt like a lie. I'd always believed that if you worked hard enough, things would work out okay, and to me, nothing felt okay. The year off I took wasn't much better. I couldn't find a job, thanks in part to the economy, my disability (no walking/standing/lifting regularly means no retail/food service), and my time commitment (no one in my undergraduate degree field wanted someone who didn't intend to work at the company long-term). I was poor, I was stressed, I was bored, and it just wasn't good.

Being back in school and working towards something again has made me feel so much better. My new school has a very different atmosphere than that of my former law school; it's much more positive and upbeat. My first year, it felt like everyone was against us, trying to trip us up, testing us, and making us question whether or not we could do it, but thus far, my professors and all the people I've encountered only seem encouraging. Part of that probably has to do with being a 2L (professors know you've survived your first year and come back for more), but I think part of it also though is definitely the school itself, and that has given me an overwhelming sense of peacefulness. I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I felt like that my senior year of college and throughout the summer afterward, but I was plagued by doubt as soon as I started law school. For the past year I've constantly questioned myself and my decisions, and it's a relief to start feeling more like I've made the right decisions.

I'm planning on posting about my summer adventures later on this weekend or early next week (I did a lot of cool things locally this summer, and I took a ton of pictures), but until then...

Have you ever been in a situation where for a time, nothing felt right, but it led you to something that  did?

Standing on the Edge

One thing I absolutely loathe about being in my 20s is how frequently I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff, looking down, and wondering what the heck is going to happen next. All of my expectations have gone out the window - I have no idea if I could fall off the metaphorical cliff, if I could be pushed off of it, if I should retreat to whatever's behind about me, or if I should jump to whatever is to be found below me. It's exhausting.

All to frequently, I feel like I'm having the day/week/month/year from hell. Sometimes, it's so bad that I feel like Earth must be hell, only people are too caught up in themselves to realize it. Of course, when I realize I'm thinking this, I tend to think about how screwed up that thought must be, and what a drama-llama I must be for having it. Then I wonder if it's just my depression talking.

I was twelve when I was formally diagnosed with depression, and looking back, it wasn't a surprise. Yes, I was young. But by that time, I had also been exposed to the deaths of several loved ones, the deterioration of my parents' marriage, and physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. On top of puberty and all the crazy crap it does to your hormones, mental illness runs rampant in one side of my family.

Needless to say, I often wonder - and worry (yes, my anxiety diagnosis went hand in hand with my depression diagnosis) - if things are really as horrible as they feel. It's a product both of my depression and anxiety and the way people close to me have treated me over the years, always quick to tell me that whatever I was feeling was wrong and pathetic and weird and screwed-up. It made me become exceedingly careful about revealing my feelings or allowing myself to even feel them, for fear that I would be judged harshly for it.

At the moment, I feel like I have a lot going on.

• I'm in the middle of transferring law schools, something I really didn't want to do. Unfortunately, I didn't really have much of a choice after I lost my scholarship. I'll have a longer commute, a more hectic schedule, a very new/different campus environment, a number of new traffic laws to remember, a new group of people to get used to, and new challenges related to my mobility impairments to deal with. I'm hoping it will be a better environment for me, but I still haven't been able to let go of the resentment I have towards my old school for making this change necessary. I was comfortable there, and despite the constant stream of bad luck I got hit with during my first year (shingles, cellulitis, an allergic reaction, numerous joint injuries, a severe concussion, getting rear-ended, and the major health scare of a loved one), I still managed a GPA over a 3.2.
• My hypermobility is worsening, probably due to the lack of exercise I can do without dislocating something/subluxing something/ending up in a shit-ton of pain. In the past six months, both my shoulders and my knees have started dislocating, mostly notably when I'm trying to get to sleep.
• I've become estranged from two close family members. Even though one was extremely abusive during my childhood, it still hurts.
• I don't know where my relationship stands. There's an issue my SO (?) has had since pretty much the beginning of our relationship. At first, I was understanding, and it wasn't a big deal. It did, however, present issues for the long-term future of our relationship if it remained the way it was. I encouraged him to seek the help necessary to become psychologically healthier in that respect, doing whatever I could to make him realize the gravity of the problem while trying not to push too hard and respecting the fact that these things take time. Nearly two years later, even after seeking help, the problem is not better but exponentially worse, and it makes me feel horrible. I can't help resenting him for putting me through this and not doing the necessary work to get through it. I love this guy - I want to marry him someday, for fuck's sake, but I've gotten to the point where I lash out at him in desperation to make him see how much he's hurting me. He insists he loves me and that he's working on things, but I can't take it anymore. How long am I supposed to wait for things to get better?

Above all, my relationship is what has me the most stressed and upset lately. That's what has me on the edge of the cliff right now. We're not talking, and everything feels so hopeless. I love this guy and want to be with him and be happy more than anything in the world, but he doesn't seem capable of meeting me halfway... or even realizing that he isn't. Whenever we try to talk about it, I feel like he's so insensitive and/or completely out-of-touch with the reality of how this makes me feel; he de-values my pain. First, he seems to understand, but reacts by beating himself up about it and getting down on himself. Then, he does a one-eighty and suggests that I'm taking out my stress from other things on him, and that he's the one who deserves an apology.

It makes me infuriated and extremely depressed all at once. I've had eleven years to get used to my depression and anxiety and how it can cause me to react, and I have become almost hyper-aware of the things I'm feeling or not letting myself feel at every moment. I DO NOT let myself take my stress and unhappiness about something on a person unrelated to it under any circumstances. Doing so is one of my worst fears. If I feel like I'm going to, I tell the person that I can't talk at the moment, need to be left alone, etc. and that I need to decompress and calm down; it isn't personal, I just don't want them to be the victim of misplaced anger/agression/whatever.

I don't know what is going to happen, and part of me wishes I could freeze time right in this moment, so that I'd never have to deal with any of those questions standing on the edge gives you.

Do you ever feel like this?