This past Monday, I started school as a second-year law student, a.k.a. a 2L. Since my last post, I've been busy taking care of all the things inherent in going back to school as a transfer student, i.e. buying textbooks, getting a student ID, getting frustrated with financial aid, navigating the virtual maze that is the federal student loan system, figuring out my new school's e-mail system and building layout, finding and completing my first assignments, and getting back into Law Student Mode (TM).
You know what's crazy? It's been nice.
When I first started law school, I hated it so much. I was constantly depressed, and I felt overwhelmed. Everything that I had loved about school growing up was absent in law school, replaced by a tremendous pressure to memorize large amounts of mundane facts and arguments for the sake of becoming familiar with caselaw, even though all that would matter come finals would be the holding of the case and the policy considerations behind it. It was hell. Though according to everyone who went to law school, that was to be expected. It followed the stereotype: first year they scare you to death, second year they work you to death, and third year you don't care, you're just trying to find a job. Some of the lowest moments of my life were during my first year, and I felt like I was under an astronomical amount of pressure. I worked myself half to death, and when I lost my scholarship over 0.04 GPA points - when I managed a 3.22 despite all the shit that happened my first year (illnesses, injuries, my mother's health scare, getting rear-ended really badly, etc.) - I didn't want to get out of bed for days. I've been low before - it's par for the course with depression - but my whole life felt like a lie. I'd always believed that if you worked hard enough, things would work out okay, and to me, nothing felt okay. The year off I took wasn't much better. I couldn't find a job, thanks in part to the economy, my disability (no walking/standing/lifting regularly means no retail/food service), and my time commitment (no one in my undergraduate degree field wanted someone who didn't intend to work at the company long-term). I was poor, I was stressed, I was bored, and it just wasn't good.
Being back in school and working towards something again has made me feel so much better. My new school has a very different atmosphere than that of my former law school; it's much more positive and upbeat. My first year, it felt like everyone was against us, trying to trip us up, testing us, and making us question whether or not we could do it, but thus far, my professors and all the people I've encountered only seem encouraging. Part of that probably has to do with being a 2L (professors know you've survived your first year and come back for more), but I think part of it also though is definitely the school itself, and that has given me an overwhelming sense of peacefulness. I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I felt like that my senior year of college and throughout the summer afterward, but I was plagued by doubt as soon as I started law school. For the past year I've constantly questioned myself and my decisions, and it's a relief to start feeling more like I've made the right decisions.
I'm planning on posting about my summer adventures later on this weekend or early next week (I did a lot of cool things locally this summer, and I took a ton of pictures), but until then...
Have you ever been in a situation where for a time, nothing felt right, but it led you to something that did?
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