State of the Woman, Introduction & Part I: Why I Won't Call Myself a Feminist

This blog entry will be the first in a series I plan on posting focused on the state of women in America today. New entries in the series will be posted weekly for at least the next four weeks, in addition to posts outside the series. As a general warning, topics posted will reflect my own opinions and mine alone, which may be controversial. You are absolutely free to disagree and post your own opinions and feelings in the comments or elsewhere - and I encourage you to do so - but please keep your language free of bashing/hate speech. Comments that contain hateful language and/or personal attacks will be deleted.


When someone asks me, "Are you a feminist?" it's difficult for me to say, "No," as calmly as I should. I do believe in gender equality, and I think that whether you are female, male, or otherwise, you should have the same amount of autonomy as everyone else. But the words feminist and feminism get my blood boiling. Why do I loathe them so much?

Because I do not think the words themselves promote gender equality.

I am all for the empowerment of all people and for gender equality. I don't like the idea of us as Americans living in the world of George Orwell's Animal Farm, where "all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others." I feel like the words feminist and feminism, being so close to  the word female, send the wrong message. They imply that feminism is about female empowerment, not gender equality. To me, the two are no longer one and the same.

I know the definition of the term has changed over time. Technically, according to Merriam-Webster Online, one of the two current definitions for the word feminism is "the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes." However, the second definition is "organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests." To me, those definitions are at odds with each other. Today, working for women's rights is not necessarily the same thing as working for gender equality. In a lot of situations it is, but there are a number of situations in which it isn't, meaning that women's rights ≠ gender equality. The two concepts aren't mutually exclusive, but they also can't be accurately substituted for each other in every situation.

Consider the hypothetical situation in which a city opens shelters for female domestic violence victims. Since the majority of domestic violence is perpetrated against females, this makes perfect sense, and women should have a place to go in order to escape being abused and get help safely exiting such a situation. No woman deserves to suffer at the hands of an abuser or be trapped with one. No one does. So, what do you do when a man is in need of the same services?

I realize that many people may scoff at that image - after all, male domestic violence victims are widely considered to be in the minority. That's great, but that doesn't mean they don't exist or that they have any less of a need for help. Since many shelters for battered women are for women only (for obvious reasons), how can you make sure people that are not female have the same right to help? How do you even define equal rights in this situation? Does each gender have equal rights if they have facilities in proportion with the predicted number of people of that gender who need them, or does the number and quality of facilities need to be equal? Is there gender equality if a man needs to travel further than a woman to obtain the same services?

In this hypothetical, whether you believe in women's rights or equal rights for all genders can matter quite a bit. Those who are primarily concerned with women's rights will applaud the decision, as these types of shelters are obviously clearly needed in many areas. Those who are truly concerned with gender equality will be uneasy. Sure, it's great that these resources are available to females, but what about the males in need of the same services? What about people that are transgendered? Even if more females need these services than anyone else, can there honestly be said to be equal rights among genders in this type of a situation? I don't think so.

Though many people who believe in gender equality will call themselves feminists, it's not a term I will ever be comfortable using to describe myself, because so many people associate it only with female empowerment. Every group, whether historically marginalized and disenfranchised or not, should be able to have the same rights to life, liberty, and happiness. Traditionally, that's what female empowerment was all about, allowing women to have the same rights as men. Today, in many ways, men and women are not equal - but women are not the only ones suffering because of it. That's why, in good conscience, I cannot identify as a feminist. Regardless of gender, all humans are should be equal, and some humans should not be more equal than others.

On Being an Adult Child of Non-Amicably Divorced Parents

I am an adult child of divorced parents.

That fact is neither surprising nor particularly noteworthy. With the American divorce rate being as high as it is, often estimated at about 50%, I am far from alone. The statistics are depressing, but for many people, they're just a fact of life. So, out of all the topics I could write about, why am I writing about something so unremarkable?

Well, because I had what seems to be a non-traditional divorce experience, namely that for the longest time, I considered my parents' divorce to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. It's only recently that I've come to realize the effects my parents' divorce had on me and how it will inevitably affect my future.

My parents originally split up when I was 13, and their ensuing divorce was anything but amicable. Their break-up was preceded by years upon years of fighting; I remember thinking once, when I was little, that they seemed more like brother and sister than husband and wife. Neither of them really ever seemed happy, and displays of affection between them were few and far between. My initial mental reaction to their decision to get divorced was, "Finally! It's about time." It didn't surprise me, and I honestly thought it would make everything So Much Easier.

A lot did get easier, at least for me. I was able to live full-time with my father, and I was happy about that. My mother and I had always had issues, and I felt it would be healthier for us both not to live together. I believed it would allow me to limit the amount of emotional baggage and stress I'd carry around on a daily basis, and that was liberating.

Of course, a lot also got harder. The dissolution of my parents' marriage led my younger sister to move in with my mother two years into their divorce negotiations, which left me feeling like someone had dunked me in a pool of ice water, punched me several times in the face, and then hit me with a bus. My mother got serious with someone I was acquainted with, and who was close enough in age to me to have been my older brother. My father seemed to get hit with emotional negativity at every turn; he took the divorce hard and both of his parents died in the midst of the negotiations.

I was never plagued by the normal questions kids of divorce ask. There was no, "Is this my fault? Do Mom and Dad still love me? How are my friends going to react?" or "Why is this happening? Will I ever see Dad/Mom? What's going to happen on my birthday and holidays?" Now that I'm older, I feel like all I have are questions. When I started dating my boyfriend, it was, "How will he react to me having divorced parents when his are still together? Will his parents think less of me because my parents are divorced? How do I explain that I live with my father and have for years, when most people in my situation live with their mother? How is my mother going to react to my boyfriend being only a year younger than hers?" As we've gotten progressively more serious and some of our friends and peers have started getting engaged and married, it's been, "Oh f***, what am I going to do in a few years if we decide to get married? How do I incorporate my parents into my wedding and put them in the same space with each other - not to mention each other's new significant others - when they can't stand each other? How do I deal with their significant others, one which I'm okay with and one I don't like at all?" Recently, as two of my cousins cousins have started families, I've found myself thinking, "How is my parents' divorce going to affect my future children? Will my kids call my parents' partners their grandparents? Can I give the title of grandparent to one of my parents' significant others and not the other? Are my kids going to be confused? Are they going to be worrying that their father and I might break up? How are my future spouse and I going to deal with holidays? If we split the time 50-50, is that unfair to one of my parents? Is it unfair to his if we don't?"

When my parents first got divorced, not one of these questions occurred to me. I figured that after they were officially divorced, they wouldn't hate each other anymore; neither of them would be holding the other back and each would be free to pursue their own happiness, so what was the point of staying angry at each other? Surely they knew that my sister and/or I would be in situations in the future where it would be important for them to get along. Surely they knew that they still had two kids together who would need them both, at times. Surely the animosity and the bitterness would fade with time.

I'm old enough to know now that it's not that simple. I'm going to be put in uncomfortable situations, and I'm not going to be able to make everyone happy. I'm going to have to figure out the answers to questions I'd never thought to ask myself before, and talking to my parents about the answers is not something I look forward to. But while it isn't going to fun, that's life. This is the hand I was dealt. In the end, I can only do the best I can do, and in the future, that's going to have to be good enough for both of my parents.

Are you an adult child of non-amicably divorced parents? Are you trying to figure out the answers to any of these questions?

An Eggcellent Adventure: Sunny Side Smashed

Hello!

Please allow me to introduce myself; I'm Lauren, the girl-behind-the-curtain at Sunny Side Smashed. I'm starting this blog as an outlet for the ridiculous amounts of thoughts in my head, because... well, I think. A lot. About everything. Lately, more and more often, I find myself thinking about my life and the lives of my fellow millennials, currently stuck in that wonderful and terrible stage of life most aptly described as "being a twentysomething."

You can find out more about me by clicking on About above, but right now, I'd like to explain where the name Sunny Side Smashed came from. Sunny Side Smashed is a metaphor that came to mind while I was thinking about my life and the lives of all the other people I know that are currently in their twenties.

Think about it. First, you work really, really hard to make the perfect sunny side up fried egg. It looks beautiful, sitting there in there in the pan, and you can't help being a bit proud of it. Then, since the egg obviously does you no good just sitting there, you get out your spatula and prepare to transfer it to a plate. Of course, you aren't perfect. You try to be as graceful as possible, but maybe you forgot to put down non-stick spray or maybe you're just a klutz - but either way, your egg arrives on your plate with a smashed yolk that is now oozing everywhere. It is not pretty, but it's edible. You can't help but feel a bit disappointed, but hey, it's food, right? It does its job of providing you with nourishment, and you go on with your life.

As a teenager, just about everyone I knew had high hopes for their future. We all thought our lives were going to turn out a certain way, that we'd do this or do that or do something else, and in the end, even if things weren't exactly as we'd planned, they'd come close. Your twenties are when it hits you like a fastball to the face that your plans mean virtually nothing in reality; it's when your perfect sunny side up egg gets smashed. It's when you really start to understand that life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. Of course, it's also when you come to realize that even though this is disappointing, uncomfortable, and/or unpleasant, it's not necessarily a bad thing.

That is the philosophy I try to live by - that life isn't always pretty and sometimes it absolutely sucks - but you keep going. You won't always have even the faintest idea of what you're doing, you won't always do or say the right thing, and what you thought you wanted might end up being what you don't want, but you'll survive. And sometimes, life will be wonderful.

Sunny Side Smashed will undoubtedly be a blog built around my experiences and thoughts as a twentysomething. I'm likely to write about things relevant to life as a twentysomething and things that don't have anything to do with being a twentysomething at all. You might find anything from a post on my reaction to a current news story to a post talking about my experience trying online dating. If you can deal with a little randomness, then please, sit down, stay a while, and share your thoughts! I'm a curious person by nature, so I love hearing about what other people are thinking.